I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize