why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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