youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
