So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize