He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
