Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
