I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize