just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
