I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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