We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
