Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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