he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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