don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
