I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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