he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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