ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
