Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
