I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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