soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
