he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FUCK WHALES
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
