I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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