this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize