Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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