She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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