is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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