If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
