i would punch a child for taco bell
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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