I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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