just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
