i jhust puked up my retainher.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
