booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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