Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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