I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
