I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
