i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Never joke about your clitoris.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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