between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
