Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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