K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
