I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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