you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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