I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
PANTIES FOUND
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