Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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