dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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