My cat gives me a boner
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
