Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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