Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The best revenge is premature balding
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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