I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
