We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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