the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
