put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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