thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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