I am in a vortex of obligation.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We have so much sex to catch up on
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I supernannyed him into submission
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
