i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
