You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
