Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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