Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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