I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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