So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
