Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
