wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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