I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Randomize
