I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
