Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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