He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
