I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
